You Have No Talent Whatsoever
(A drama about recruiting for a church cleanup day)

Director's Notes:
Yeah, so, this might be a strange drama for me to post but we needed to get people out to a church workday that required painting, mulching, etc. The pastor wanted me to get across that they didn't need to have a particular talent (like painting or carpentry or whatever) but rather just a heart to do God's work.

So, I went the talk show route :)

Cast:
Jerry Stinker: Talk show host
Mary Leech: A woman with no talent
Beth Leech: Mary's estranged sister
John: The show's bodyguard
Karl: An announcer

Props:
2 chairs
Theme song for show
Sappy song for end of show
 

Setting:
A talk show

(LIGHTS UP CENTER STAGE with a game show-like theme song playing as Jerry Stinker is standing on the stage. There should be a slide on the screen (if possible) that says "The Jerry Stinker Show".

Jerry:    Welcome back folks. Today’s show is a very special show. In a moment, you will meet Mary Leech. She’s backstage right now and before we bring her out, I must warn you. What you are about to hear may be more than a bit disturbing. You may not want to eat before watching this program and you may want to ask the children to leave the room and hide any small pets. Okay, now that that is said and done, let’s bring out Mary now. Let’s give her a big hand folks.

Mary:   (Comes out and Jerry leads her to a chair)

Jerry:    Now, Mary, we’ve asked you to come on the show because why?

Mary:   (mumbles something)

Jerry:    I’m sorry?

Mary:   Because I have no talent.

Jerry:    (looks at audience) That’s right, folks. This poor woman has no talent. Now, please, don’t look on her with scorn. It can happen to any of us. When we decided to do this show called “I’m a Loser with No Talent Whatsoever and Deserve to be Laughed At” we immediately thought of Mary here and she agreed to come on the show.

Mary:   (starts to sob)

Jerry:    Okay, now, now. Nothing to cry about there, Mary. Let’s talk a bit about your problem.

Mary:   Ok.

Jerry:    Now, tell me, how did you get here today?

Mary:   Well, I took a taxi.

Jerry:    And why is that???

Mary:   Because… because… my car is in the shop and I only have my husbands and I…I…

Jerry:    yes?

Mary:   I can’t drive a stick shift!

Jerry:    Gasp! Folks at home, now might be a good time to ask the children to leave the room.

Mary:   I’m so ashamed! I’m such a loser!

Jerry:    Yes, yes you are. But surely you must have some other talent.

Mary:   No, Jerry, not even one.

Jerry:    Can you cook? No? Not even grilled cheese?

Mary:   Well, I have a recipe for it but, no, I’ve never made one.

Jerry:    I see. Surely, you must have some sort of talent. What about carpentry?

Mary:   Nope.

Jerry:    Cutting grass?

Mary:   No.

Jerry:    Surfing the web?

Mary:   No… it… it scares me.

Jerry:    Mary, I frankly don’t know what to say. How can you live with yourself?

Mary:   It’s so hard. I mean, my husband is so talented. I have no idea why he still loves me!

Jerry:    Me either. Well, Mary, we asked someone who knows you really well to come here today. She has something she’s been meaning to tell you and felt that doing it on TV in front of millions of people would be the most appropriate way. Here she is, your sister Beth.

Beth:    (Beth enters and sits on the other side of Jerry)

Jerry:    Beth, thanks for coming today. I know you have something to say to your sister. Feel free.

Beth:    Mary, as your sister, I just wanted to tell you that I have no idea why your husband still loves you. If I were you, I would run away to become a nun. What a loser!

(Mary gets up and the girls start pushing each other and John (a bodyguard sitting a little of stage) jumps in to take Beth out as she continues to yell at Mary)

Jerry:    Okay, okay. Let’s all settle down here. Okay, now Mary, I want you to know that we aren’t just gonna leave you in this sorry state of uselessness. There is a place we can send you that requires no talent whatsoever and you can contribute and be a useful part of society?

Mary:   Really? Really? Where?

Jerry:    Karl, tell Mary where she’s going!

(start game show-like music)

Announcer:     Mary, we’re sending you on a free trip to northern Albemarle county this Friday and Saturday to join other people just like yourself for the great Northridge Church workdays. That’s right, Mary, you will get the opportunity of a lifetime as you put in as much time as you can spare – be it 2 hours or 20 hours – doing the Lord’s work and helping clean up and fix up the church. And the best news is that it doesn’t require any talent whatsoever! Congratulations, Mary Leech!

Mary:   Wow! I’m so excited!

Jerry:    And so am I, Mary. (as he pushes her away) That’s all we have time for today folks so it’s time for my final thoughts. (start sappy music)Friends, we’ve learned something here today. Something very important. You may have no talent. You may look strange or you might smell really bad. But that doesn’t matter because… workdays have no noses…. See you again tomorrow for our program on pastors addicted to coffee. Take care all.

LIGHTS OUT SLOW

END

© 2004 Dave Marsh